


Love Can Tell A Million Stories

by EnbyEntity



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Child Abuse, F/F, F/M, M/M, Major Character Injury, Multi, Original Non-Binary Character - Freeform, Past Character Death, Past Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, Teen Pregnancy, Title from Falsettos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27978723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnbyEntity/pseuds/EnbyEntity
Summary: “After John… killed himself, Alex hasn’t been himself.” Alex turned back to his book and stopped listening after that. He was frozen with shock, apart from his shoulders silently shaking. John wouldn’t kill himself. Never. He promised. Even after The Accident, when everything was so terrible and the future seemed bleak, John would never do that. Because he’d promised Alex to always be there. No matter what.//-//-//John wouldn’t kill himself.Ever.But here Alex is, standing without John.Alone.Without John//-//-//Told between alternating POVs of Alex and John, one after John’s death and one before.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Peggy Schuyler/OFC
Kudos: 5





	1. O n e

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I’ve been working on for a while. Hope you enjoy :)

Alex sighed deeply and spun the red rose around in his hand. It was a deep blood red, with fake green leaves. It smelled of horrible disinfectant, like fake flowers usually did. Well, cheap fake flowers usually smelled of disinfectant. The fake flower in Alex’s hand did at least. He was stalling, scruffing his shiny black shoes across the hallway. 

“Don’t do that.” Eliza said. Her tone wasn’t harsh, more so on the gentle side. Like a soft warning. That’s all she’d been doing these days, guiding Alex around in what was hopefully the right direction. She’d been doing that ever since that night. That night. Alex didn’t think of that night very often, even it was just a couple weeks ago. It hurt too much. He preferred to block it out of his mind. Because if you were numb than it was okay.

Alex had learnt that a long time ago. Stand there numbly, chin lifted up high, pretend everything’s okay and most importantly, stay alive. He’d shared that to John once, when they were on a camping trip, with a solemn frown. John had laughed, though there was no malicious intent behind it. John had said that there was more to do than be numb. More than to just stay alive. Of course, fools who run their mouths off wind up dead. Just another bit of advice that John had thrown to the wind. And where did he end up?

Alex’s thoughts were cut off by Eliza’s hand on his shoulder. “You ready?” She asked. He wasn’t obviously, but just weakly nodded. That was easier than explaining how devastated he felt at that moment, and probably would feel for the rest of his life. Eliza smiled slightly and gave him a light push towards the auditorium. “Good luck Alexander.” She said, before heading to her assigned seat for the whole school assembly.

Alex took a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. And he stepped into the auditorium that was once usually filled with loud chatter and meaningless taunts. There was just silence now. An unsteady silence as every watched with varying expressions of pity as Alex stepped next to Principal, not even bothering to hide his shaking hands and stifled sniffles. Pity. John had always hated pity, loathed it even. As he had put it, ‘I’m fine. I mean, I am. I can handle this on my own, and I don’t need people feeling bad for me. A friend, yeah, but pity? No way in hell.’ Those words rang in Alex’s ears as the Principal spoke about school spirit and other upcoming announcements that just fueled the dread for what was to come next. Alex only tuned back in once the Principal cleared his throat sadly.

“As some of you have heard, there was an accident involving one of our students a couple weeks ago. John Laurens. He was a great student, up to date on all his work and involved in our drama council.” John never did his homework on time; he said he could never focus properly. He did enjoy the drama council, but they didn’t enjoy his presence. They practically despised him. “He was a friend to all” Alex was his only friend, the only person who cared about John. “And will be sorely missed. I have Alexander Hamilton next to me to give a small speech about John, and his effect on us all.”

Alex stepped forward, already feeling ice cold and numb. He held up his paper, though he already had his speech memorized. It used to be much longer, but it was cut down after the school counsellor deemed it ‘inappropriate.’ Because of its inappropriate to talk about how no one truly cared about John until it was too late. Until he was gone. But now wasn’t the time to talk about that. Now was the time to get this stupid speech over and done with.

“Hello. I am Alexander Hamilton. Many of you may know me as the kid in the student council. Or the one who tied himself to a tree for a week. But this isn’t about me. It's about John, my best friend. My best friend in the whole world. He was always there for me. No matter what. We used to go camping together and just watch the stars.” Alex said wistfully, his eyes glazing over as he was brought back to those camping trips with John. Those were the good days, before it all came falling down. “And, I miss him.” He chuckled bitterly. “ I miss him so much. He was an amazing person, and I know that we will all miss him. Just please, don’t forget John Laurens.”

There the quiet patter of unsure applause, which Alex took as his cue to march off the stage and out of the auditorium. He slammed the door shut with a loud thud and fast-walked all the way out to the playground. It’s gently snowing, just soft snowflakes that mark the start of winter. John hated winter. Said he hated family gatherings. Said he hated snow and being stuck at home. Alex decided that he hated winter too. The snow wasn’t the same if he didn’t get to listen to John’s messy, sleep-deprived, ramblings over the phone. Nothing would be the same.

“Hey.” A monotone voice said. Alex glanced over and made eye contact with Pegs, who smiled grimly at him. “You came to escape the assembly.” They said. It wasn’t a question per se, more so that they knew what he was doing in the school playground. So Alex nodded and sat on the swing next to Pegs.

“I hate it.” He began in a hoarse voice. “They didn’t care about him. Didn’t notice him. Now that he’s gone, he’s some kind of martyr. A symbol. Their friend.” He spits the words out like their venomous. “He’d hate it. He would hate the pity. He would hate them all.”

Pegs hummed in response. “Yeah.” Pegs wasn’t one for many words. They spoke in short snaps, and deadly glares. Angie spoke in fancy words, long drawn out sentences that made you feel inferior. And Eliza spoke in reassurances. False promises. Agreeable whispers. Pegs continued, “Want some gum?”

Alex accepted and plopped a piece of blueberry gum in his mouth glumly. He sighed and crossed his arms across his chest. He wanted to say something, but no words came to mind. Just blank silence. John always knew what to say. Even in the most dire situations. Crack a joke, laugh, then offer meaningful advice that resonated deeply within Alex. It seemed simple, but so hard in practice. John had that quality about him, the one that made everything just a tiny bit better. Sure, even when he was yelling, or paranoid, or laying in bed sobbing, Alex felt safer in John’s arms. And now that safety was gone. 

Pegs began swinging back and forth, gaining momentum pretty quickly. Soon, they were flying up above Alex, the occasional laugh escaping their lips. It was weird to see them smiling, considering that they grimaced or scowled most of the time. Alex felt a smile tug at his lips, and he allowed it. Sure, everything felt absolutely hopeless and Alex wished he was six feet under beside John, but who could resist the child-like joy of swinging back and forth at the school playground? Alex for sure couldn’t.

After they’d finished swinging, Pegs smiled lopsidedly. “So?” They asked curiously, as if truly caring about how Alex was feeling. That was new. Only John cared about how Alex felt. It felt odd, to have someone other than John care about him. Alex supposed that he’d have to get used to it. After all, nothing would go back to the way it was before. 

Alex shrugged. “I dunno. I mean, I’m not okay. Not okay at all.” As he said that, the joyful feeling that had spread through his chest popped like a thin balloon. Now he just felt upset, griefful even. He missed John, missed their camping trips out in the woods. Those were the good days, when they felt on top of the world. What Alex would give to feel like that again.

//-//-//

“C’mon.” John whined. “Hurry up! The fish’ll be dead by the time you brush your hair and get to the stream!” He complained. Alex highly doubted that the fish led such short lives, and rolled his eyes fondly. He slowly placed the brush down and took slow-mo steps out of the mouldy campsite bathroom. This initiated even more whining from John, who grabbed Alex’s wrist and started racing towards the stream, dragging Alex behind him.

When they got to the stream, John’s face broke out into a huge grin. This was his element, where he felt at home. He never felt at home at his actual house, with his parents, but out camping with Alex? He’d always been restless, a child of the earth as his aunt stated. John took Alex’s hand in his own, giving it a small squeeze. They stood together, watching the sun rise above the trees and reflect off the water. The liquid looked golden almost, rippling with bronze waves as the fish darted around. It was beautiful, John decided. If something truly deserved the sought after title of beauty, it was the stream with the fishes.

“We should get back.” Alex said, breaking the fragile silence. “I heard that someone’s roasting sausages for lunch.” He suggested, leading John away from the pond.

They walked back in silence, John already wishing he was back by the stream with the golden water and the orange fishes. He’d rather do anything else than talk to the people at the fire pit, who looked at him weirdly sometimes. Usually when he rocked back and forth out of habit. They thought he was weird, he knew that much, they thought he was stupid. He wasn’t stupid. Not at all. He knew he was weird compared to everyone else. Thing is, John didn't feel weird. He felt like everyone else were the weird ones. He was normal-ish. They were the aliens. Not him. Definitely not him.

“You all good?” Alex asked, wrapping his arm around John’s shoulder as he sat down on the dirt log. John nodded truthfully. He was okay, now that Alex was sat beside him. It was all okay. They’d be fine, John didn’t have to worry about it. He was fine. Good, even.

Oh, the lies we tell ourselves to shield from the truth.


	2. T w o

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Working title for this was  
> “ Happy Fun Death Time with Johnny the turtle addict and Alex the gremlin (Title definetly not stolen from Helena > :) )”
> 
> Do with that information as you will

Alex was reading the same line over and over again, not taking in any of the words as he curled up on the red armchair in the library and eavesdropped on the conversation next to him. He wasn’t eavesdropping per se, more so that he just happened to be there as they talked about him and John. By they, he meant Pegs and Eliza. Who were hidden behind chick-lit bookshelf, their voices very audible.

“I’m worried about him.” Eliza’s once soft voice now sounded distressed, ripping at Alex’s heart. Well, it would’ve ripped at his heart if he had a heart to be ripped. But he just felt numb. “He isn’t talking to us or participating in student council. He’s blocking us out!”

Pegs sighed, probably running a hand through their floofy curls. “I know. But what can we do? After John… killed himself, Alex hasn’t been himself.” Alex turned back to his book and stopped listening after that. He was frozen with shock, apart from his shoulders silently shaking. John wouldn’t kill himself. Never. He promised. Even after The Accident, when everything was so terrible and the future seemed bleak, John would never do that. Because he’d promised Alex to always be there. No matter what. 

Alex jumped up from his chair, leaving behind his half-read book, and sprinted out of the school building. He could faintly hear Eliza calling after him, but he couldn’t find it in him to actually care. His feet pounded on the concrete as he approached the metal fence that surrounded the school. He’d escaped the school before, usually with John and Pegs. But he was on his own now. He clambered up the metal fence, using the criss-cross rungs as foot holders. He jumped over the top of the fence and landed on the dry ground below, bending his knees to absorb the impact. Luckily, he wasn’t injured and was able to continue running away from the school, away from it all.

Alex had gotten good at running. He was fast, and nimble. He could easily jump over bushes or other obstacles. His footsteps were basically silent, the only sound was the barely audible squeak of his shoes from the thrift store. John had given them to him as a birthday present. He’d apologized, saying that they weren’t much, or a very good birthday present. Alex had worn them nearly every day since then. 

Alex ran all the way to the nearby seven eleven, the flashing green and red lights making him wince at the headache he knew would form eventually. He stepped inside, the smell of cleaning supplies and out of date gummies greeting him. Still, it felt homely. 

“You gonna buy anything or just hang around here till your dad calls screaming?” Someone asked. A normal person would’ve been freaked. But Alex wasn’t normal, so he just rolled his eyes at Maria. She’d worked in the seven eleven ever since she’d dropped out of school for unknown reasons. Alex guessed it had something to do with the small baby bump that she had one arm wrapped around protectively. They’d met after The Accident, so this was the one place that wasn’t riddled with memories of John. It wasn’t painful. Except for the lights. Those hurt his eyes.

“Do both. Duh.” He answered, picking up some sour gummy worms. He tossed them around in his hand. John had always hated sour gummy worms. He said whoever ate them was a heathen and should be banned from society. Alex enjoyed them. “Anyway, he isn’t my dad.” 

Maria rolled her eyes. “Sure. Cause your only daddy is your ex boyfriend. I get it.” She teased, ringing the gummy worms up at the till. Alex spluttered, trying to think of some cool comeback. He couldn’t. He tossed two dollars to Maria and hopped up on the counter. He handed Maria half a gummy worm. He wasn’t usually this generous. Usually she only got the left over sour powder at the bottom of the bag. 

“So, how’s life going?” Maria asked, hopping up on the counter next to Alex. “I mean, it sucks for me. You know the bridge down by the river, the one with good benches?” Alex nodded. “Yeah, so they took away the benches. Now me and Sara ain’t gonna have anywhere to go in the winter.” That sucked. Alex knew first hand what it was like to be living on the streets, though he currently had his own apartment.

“You two could come live with us- me?”

Maria scoffed. “No way in hell are we mooching off you. We’ll be fine, just you wait and see buddy.” She insisted. Alex could see behind the mask. Maria worried about her younger sibling, Sara, and how the two of them would fare in the winter after being kicked out of their parents’ home and distanced from their family members. Surviving out on the streets during winter sucked, again, Alex had first hand experience. And with Maria’s baby bump, it was even harder. Neither Maria or Sara were the types to accept help from their closest friends, let alone Alex, who was just the guy who hid at seven eleven most days.

Which reminded him of why he was here in the first place.

“Do you think that John would kill himself?” He blurted out randomly, already regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth. The heart throbbed painfully and he crossed his arms over his chest in a protective manner.

Maria eyed him cautiously. “I never knew John that well, you know that. But, well,” She sighed. “From what Eliza’s told me at least, after ‘The Accident’, he wasn’t doing so good. I know that you don’t want to think about John doing that, but you have to admit that it seems plausible.” She admitted.

Alex narrowed his eyes at her, throwing his empty sour gummy worm packet in the trash can. “Yeah, well, neither you or Eliza knew John. Or actually cared about him. Only I did. And the John I know- knew would never kill himself. Would never leave me alone.” He spat, marching out of the store. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Maria jogging after him.

“Alex! Just slow down! Can’t we just talk for once?!” She yelled after him, but he refused to listen. He didn’t need her fake pity. He was fine. He didn’t need to get close to anyone, because the only person he was truly close to was gone. Gone forever.

Life wasn’t fair.

//-//-//

John sat down at the lunch table, watching as Alex shoveled six chips into his mouth at once, all while frantically studying for his american history test. He chuckled and ate the first bite of the school macaroni and cheese, which tasted like cardboard. Disgusting cardboard. Actually, John had tasted cardboard that was yummier than the macaroni and cheese the school served. “Why are you studying right now? We got like, two periods till that test?”

Alex glared at John. He wasn’t mean exactly, just focused and grouchy. Okay, he was slightly mean sometimes, but John didn’t mind that so much. “Because, if I don’t do good at this test, then I ain’t gonna get good grades, and you know what gets you into college?” He didn’t wait for John to answer. “Good grades. So I gotta study. Simple as that.” He gave John an unimpressed look. “You should be studying as well.”

John shrugged and tossed an apple slice to Alex. “Well, I ain’t getting into college, even if I get good grades. So there’s no point. You now I ain’t smart like that.” He said. “Now, wanna see how many apple slices I can fit in my mouth at once?”

Alex gave him a look. “Don’t say that about yourself. You are smart. Just not in the way that everyone else is.” he shrugged, like it was that simple. Spoiler alert, it wasn’t that simple. “Anyway, if you don’t go to college, what are you gonna do with the rest of your life?”

John smirked. “You know what. Live out in the woods with you and the birds. And maybe a turtle or two. Be free.” His eyes shone happily. He loved his plans for the future. They’d be happy. Free. Lost out in the woods where no one could find them. Just the two of them. They’d run away, from school, from the bullies, from their lives that were holding them back.

“That’s a stupid, childish, plan.” Alex snapped, turning back to his history textbook. “We have to grow up. Don’t you wanna grow up for once? Be mature?”

John felt tears prickle in his eyes and he turned away. There was a bird circling the school outside the window. John wished he could be a bird. Be free to fly away with nobody holding him back. He wanted to sprout wings from his back and soar away. He wanted to be free. To fly.


End file.
